I have just completed my last online one-to-one (for now). 

For three years, I have regularly sat with a gorgeous assortment of artists, performers, directors, musicians, poets, therapists, facilitators and researchers. I have held space for them to explore their lives, their work, their creativity, their inner worlds and their relationships and I have loved every minute of it.

This work has been my bridge back to the world, after having stepped into the woods for a while (this evocative phrase came from storyteller, Clare Murphy). It supported me whilst I figured out where to live and who to be and it became an unexpectedly steady source of satisfaction and delight.

This work has meant an awful lot to me and I have noticed that during this final week of one-to-ones, my parts - bless them - have been desperately trying to help me out with the endings:

The Dissociator has been hovering around, offering to yank me out of my body if it all gets too much.

The Crisp-Eater has been offering carbohydratey, salty, fatty goodness to keep my body on the ground.

The Online Shopper has been redesigning my flat for my imaginary new life.

The 1980’s Sales Woman has been coming up with new strategies to sell my workshops, to make sure I have a reliable income elsewhere.

I’ve welcomed them all and made space for them to tell me their worries. They don’t like goodbyes. I experienced a lot of endings in my childhood and these blessed parts (and many more) often swoop in to save me at the slightest whiff of something coming to an end. But not this week. This week, I could feel them around, but I pretty much kept hold of the wheel of the Holly-bus. Oh, OK, I did eat quite a few crisps between clients, but my Crisp-Eater is very persuasive, and crisps are really good!

After the final obligatory Zoom-goodbye-wave (I still wish we did that in real life meetings), I sat down and I meditated. 

I felt my feelings and thanked my parts for giving me the space to hold a succession of good-enough endings. 

Wanting to mark the transition, I picked three cards from The Wild Unknown Archetype Tarot Deck at random, holding these three questions in mind:

1.) What have the one-to-ones been about for me?

2.) What’s going to take their place?

3.) What’s going to guide me through this transition?

Here’s how the tarot responded…

1.) What have the one-to-ones been to me? 

Tarot Card: The Threshold

“The door, the gate, the initiation… a new reality. It requires you to leave behind the “you” that you thought was so well formed… This is the liminal realm.”

That’s right, it was a threshold. The one-to-ones were initially a way to get back to work and life after having had a break (down). I had changed a lot in my time off, I’d slowed down and softened and learned about how to take better care of myself. Three years ago, I was nervous about returning to group workshops. I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself not to slip back into autopilot (which basically means ditching myself and all my needs), as soon as I was back in the familiar role of group facilitator.

The one-to-ones were originally a strategic decision, but they gave me so much more than I could have imagined, including:

• regularity, structure and a reason to self-regulate and stay healthy.
• opportunities to integrate my new IFS and somatic IFS skills into my tried and tested toolkit.
• opportunities to improve my listening and facilitation skills, learning how to leave more space and do less.
• many chances to guide people through longer journeys of self-exploration, getting to witness a bunch of people evolving, learning, developing and growing. 
• the privilege of glimpsing into people's hearts and souls, getting to feel the universality of our suffering and our joy.
• opportunities to develop theories and methodology around artist support. 

I am forever grateful to all my clients for all that they taught me during this three year threshold crossing. The deep learning has brought me back to running group workshops, hopefully in a much more sustainable way.

2.) What's going to fill that space now that I'm not doing the one-to-ones? 

Tarot Card: The Shapeshifter

“The trickster, the elusive, the formless… looking at life through a kaleidoscopic rather than a single-focus lens… the allure of the kaleidoscope can leave you exhausted and yearning for solid ground. Dancing long-term with The Shapeshifter requires a central pillar of integrity that links us back to our centre.”

Interesting, as I cross the threshold into my next chapter, my old friend, The Shapeshifter shows up! The Shapeshifter is kind of my default setting. In the olden days, I might have used the freed-up time to respond to invitations, to teach, to direct, to consult, to facilitate, to shapeshift in response to people's needs. That's who I used to be. That’s how I carved a career as a freelancer for years! 

I hear the caution in the cards and in myself. I love my Shapeshifter’s nimble adaptability, AND to prevent a life of burnout, I’m trying something new. I'm inviting space into my life. I’m hoping that maintaining the “central pillar of integrity” that links me back to my centre will prevent my Shapeshifter getting giddy on all the possibilities that free time and space bring. 

Dear Shapeshifter, I know free time is exciting for you and you will get your chances to play, but I know I also need:

• Space to rest and breathe and play.
• Space to do my planning and admin for my group workshops AND 2 days off each week! 
• Space to dream into something bigger and steadier for Holly Stoppit Workshops, to explore funding avenues and different business models.
• Space to regularly write, without feeling like I'm stealing that time from myself.
• Space and energy to see my friends and go on dates and do other fun stuff.

I am glad I have a record of this for when The Shapeshifter tries to take hold of the driving wheel… 

3.) What’s going to guide me through this transition?

Tarot card: Kairos

“Mythic time, synchronicity… timelessness… a secondary time continuum that goes beyond any earthly clocks and schedules…. divine timing… Patience and precision… wait for the rush of inner knowing and not a moment longer.” 

Yes! Kairos! This has been coming up a lot in my Creative Facilitation training. There’s Chronos time - the time of the clock, and Kairos time - the time of the soul. Facilitation is basically balancing the tension between these two qualities of time. It’s easy to forget about Kairos and get sucked into the ticking of the clock. Part of my work as a facilitator is to provide the conditions that allow people to tap into Kairos, to help them drop down into a space that isn’t fuelled by rush, restriction, emergency and panic. 

Ponder point: What helps you access the stretchy time of Kairos?

Here’s what helps me:

• Meditation, yoga, dance, shaking, self-massage, anchoring into the sensory, breathing out.
• Walking, swimming, cycling, dancing, taking long train journeys.
• Being immersed in nature.
• Co-regulating with others - good chats, long hugs, singing, playing music or just being together.

Thank you

Well dear reader, thanks for coming with me on this little reflective journey.

I could have just eaten more crisps. Instead, this tarot ritual and the writing that followed, helped me stay with my feelings, honour the one-to-one work and get conscious of the themes and parts I’m now living with. 

With immense gratitude to my clients for everything they’ve taught me, and love for all my parts (especially the Crisp-Eater) I step across the threshold into my next chapter.

If you’d like to try asking the tarot…

You’ll need a tarot deck.

1.) You could clear a space and light a candle, or you could just sit amongst the mess of life and begin.

2.) Take a moment to connect with your body and breath - maybe have a little stretch or a shake, or just come into stillness. Find the ground beneath you. Breathe out through your mouth a few times. 

3.) Notice if there’s a question you’d like to explore. If there isn’t, you could do some free-writing to find out what’s around for you…

4.) Once you have a question in mind, shuffle your tarot cards, face down, and wait for one to present itself to you. It may jump out of the pack or you may just have a sense “this one!”

5.) Flip it over and notice the images, colours, shapes, symbols, words, numbers - before you read the accompanying tarot booklet (if your deck has one), just notice what you’re receiving from the card. Could there be an answer to your question here?

6.) You can free write or draw in response to your card if you’re called to explore more.

7.) You can ask as many questions as you like, the cards will tell you when they’ve had enough!

Links

The Wild Unknown Archetype Tarot Deck is one of a series by Kim Krans. 

Other Holly-Blogs that might interest you:

• Making Space To Belong - explains a bit more about my decision to stop doing the one-to-ones for now.
• Hello Again, Old Familiar Hole - tells the story of my recent mini burn out and offers nature-reflection techniques 
• Holly Has Left The Barn - was written at the end of my year at the Barn meditation retreat centre
• Confessions of a Compulsive Traveller and How I Managed To Stop - was written a year ago, when I finally landed back in Bristol